POTC: Finding Johnny Depp
by Runt Thunderbelch
Summary: The wackiest cross-over story ever.  Johnny Depp is sent backwards in time into a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  Private eye Sam Marlowe  "The Man with Bogart's Face"  follows in an attempt to rescue him.
1. Hollywood

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean or to The Man with Bogart's Face.

Pirates of the Caribbean:

Finding Johnny Depp

By

Runt Thunderbelch

Chapter 1: Hollywood

The life of an illegal immigrant to the U.S. is not an easy one. It begins with a wretched trip across the rocky terrain and frigid fjords of Sweden to Oslo, then by tramp steamer across the Skagerrak, North Sea and Atlantic, up the St. Lawrence Seaway, and across the Great Lakes to the frozen State of Minnesota. Dodging the relentless eyes of I.C.E., they make their way by bus, or bicycle, or foot across the amber waves of grain, through the majesty of purple mountains, down into the fruited plains, and finally to the fabled land of their dreams: Hollywood.

It was at that point, their lives go to Hell in a hand basket. That's when they call me. My name's Marlowe.

"Marlowe Detective Agency."

"You must help me!" the woman on the other end of the phone begged. She was gorgeous, I could just tell. "He's missing! Missing! And I'm afraid to go to the police!"

"Calm down, sweetheart. Who's missing?"

"My employer, Johnny Depp. Can you come right away?"

"Only if you give me the address."

She did. Then she volunteered her name (Olga) and the code to the front gate. We hung up.

I donned by fedora and my trench coat, slipped a .45 Colt automatic into my right pocket and a pint of Old Crow into my left, and then headed out to my first paying job in a long time.

Depp's place was set far back in the Hollywood Hills. I punched in the gate code and drove by '39 Plymouth up the winding driveway to the main house. When I rang the bell, no one answered. So I made my way around to the back.

Inga was there, reclining by the pool. She wore nothing but a microscopic bikini and an illegal amount of curves.

"Inga?"

"Olga," she said and gave me the once over. "Mr. Bogart?"

I shook my head. "Marlowe, Sam Marlowe."

"But you look just like - -"

"Yeah, ever since the operation, I get that a lot."

"Mr. er Marlowe, could I ask you something?"

"Sure, kid. Shoot."

"What color are my eyes?"

I gazed at the most enticing pair of blue orbs I had ever drooled at. "That's easy," I answered. "Blue."

"No, blue is the color of my bathing suit. Look up. Up. A little higher. There! Hi."

"Oh, uh, they're brown."

"Yes."

"You said something about Johnny Depp being missing?"

"_Ja._ He and Tim Burton spent last evening talking about their next project. After Mr. Burton left, I went to bed, but Mr. Depp stayed up to do so more work. When I got up this morning he was nowhere to be found."

"$200 a day, plus expenses."

"Excuse me?"

"That's what I charge."

"Oh. Mr. Depp will gladly pay that, once you find him."

"Why not go to the police? They won't charge you a dime."

"You see, Mr. Bogart . . ."

"Marlowe," I told her again.

". . .Marlowe, my immigration status is not exactly legal."

"Ah, I get it. _Habla __español_."

"_Nej, jag talar svenska_."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Would you like to examine the room where I last saw Mr. Depp?"

I twitched. To be honest, I'd like to have examined anything she wanted to show me. "Sure," I said.

With swaying hips, she led me into Depp's mansion and to one of the rear rooms. We went in. A large piece of machinery dominated one whole side.

"What's that?"

"The movie project Mr. Depp and Mr. Burton are working on is a remake of _The Adventures of Mr. Peabody and Sherman_. This is a mock up of what will be the Wayback machine."

I twitched again as I remembered the old cartoon show I used to watch as a kid. "That's the time travel machine used by the genius dog Mr. Peabody and his pet boy Sherman to transport themselves into the past?"

"_Exakt_."

"And Johnny Depp will be playing the boy Sherman?"

She shook her head. "No, Mr. Peabody."

"The dog?"

"_Exakt_."

I examined the control panel. "It's set for the year 1717. The place is Port Royal, Jamaca."

"That's where all the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ movies are set."

I began poking around inside the transport portal. "No secret doors or anything, but there are some fingerprints on the wall. Someone's been in here all right."

"A button on the control panel has started to flash," Inga said. "Should I push it?"

Before I could reply, reality began fading away, and I felt myself falling, falling, falling . . .


	2. Port Royal

Chapter 2: Port Royal

Port Royal, 1717. Not really where I expected to be when I put on my pants that morning.

I spotted Keira Knighty standing on the nearby ramparts. She co-starred with Depp in the first three his _Pirates of the Caribbean_ movies, so perhaps she had seen him. I went over to her.

"I can't breathe!" I heard her wheeze as I neared. I tapped her on her shoulder. She turned, looked into my face, gasped, took a step back, and plummetted.

Okay, that didn't go so well.

"What have you done?" British officers came running over. One prepared to take off his coat.

"The rocks, sir," someone else reminded him.

He hesitated.

I've been dealing with things _on the rocks_ for my entire adult life. I tossed aside my fedora, my trench coats, and took off my shoes. Then I stepped over the edge.

Okay, that was my second stupid move in as many minutes.

My first instinct was to scream like a little girl, but I knew that if I opened my mouth, I'd drown when I hit the water. Then wham, my feet hit the sea, and I streaked downwards like a bullet.

I saw Keira below me, sinking down, down. Suddenly it felt as if a clap of thunder shook the sea. I ignored the blow, and sank down after her. I reached her, threw my arm around her waist, kicked off the sandy bottom and pulled her upwards.

When our heads broke the surface, I gasped desparately for air. I got one breathful before her weight pulled me back under again. It was her waterlogged dress. I quickly undid it (all that practice with those lonely Hollywood ingenues paid off), let the dress sink back into the depths and pulled the half-drowned dame over to the dock. I clambered up into the sunlight, and helping hands reached out to assist us.

Keira was plopped on her back. It didn't look as if she were breathing, and so I yanked off her corset. She immediatly gasped wildly, leaned over and vomited seawater.

Then I saw it hanging on a chain around her neck: an ornate golden medallion with a skull right in the center. This wasn't Keira Knightly laying before me, it was, "Elizabeth Swann!" I gasped.

Rough hands pulled us to our feet. A long, very sharp sword was pointed at my throat. Bayonets pointed at me from every direction. I looked helplessly over at the woman who'd I just pulled from the sea. Her father was wrapping a blanket around her.

"Shoot him."

"Father! Do you really intend to shoot my rescuer?"

Governor Swan looked confused, and then he relented. "Release him."

The man with the long sword put it away. He extended his hand. "I believe thanks are in order."

I tried desperately to remember what happened next in the movie. Yes, I'd seen it years before, but it had been in color, so I hadn't paid it much attention. What did I have to lose by being polite? I shook his hand.

He seized my arm and shoved my sleeve up. "Pittsburgh Pirates?" he said when he saw my tattoo. "Where in bloody hell is Pittsburgh?"

I could have told him that it had yet to be founded, but he didn't look like an aficionado of time travel.

"Hang him."

A marine came hurrying up with my things. "These are his, Commodore."

The commodore started pawing through them. "A silly hat and the most bizarre-looking coat I've even seen." He reached into my pockets. "Spirits." He unscrewed the lid, sniffed, and made a face. "That isn't rum."

"No, it's uh Old Crow."

"Is that what it's made of?" He tossed the bottle into the sea. Then he pulled out my automatic. "Good lord, is this supposed to be a pistol? There's no flint, no steel, no powder. How do you expect the blasting thing to shoot?" He aimed it at my nose and tried to pull the trigger, but the safety was on. "The trigger doesn't even work." He shoved my automatic back into the pocket of my trench coat.

"Throw him in jail. We'll hang him in the morning." They shoved my stuff into my arms.

I tried to remember what happened next in the movie. Ah, that's right! Jack grabbed Elizabeth and made them give his stuff back. I already had my stuff, so okay, check. Then he ran, flipped a lever on a crane, which released a cannon that was being held high in the air. Jack grabbed a rope, which pulled him up as the cannon descended. That seemed like a good plan.

I first put on my shoes, coat and hat. Suddenly, I bolted between the startled marines, found the lever, flipped it and grabbed the rope. Just like in the movies, I was yanked upward.

I looked up to see the cannon falling directly at me. It smashed into my face like a Rocky Marciano right cross. And just for the record, cannons are really, really, really heavy.


	3. The Slammer

Chapter 3: The Slammer

My head buzzed like I'd stuffed it into a beehive. And the pain cracked around my skull like St. Elmo's fire. I forced one eye open. I was in a jail cell. It was worse than anything that the L.A.P.D. had to offer: bare floor, no place to sit, not even a crapper. It was night now, and the only light came from a single torch near the staircase.

Johnny Depp was sitting on the floor, gazing suspicious at me. He was wearing that shirt from _Once Upon a Time in Mexico_, the badly faded purple one with the white lettering that spelled out: C.I.A. "Who are you supposed to be?" he asked. "Humphrey Bogart?  
>I twitched. "No, I'm supposed to be Sam Marlowe, private eye. Your maid Inga hired me to find you."<p>

"You mean, Olga?"

"Uh, yeah."

He shrugged. "Mission accomplished."

I sat up and held the sides of my head to keep it from exploding. In the next cell, some ruffians were attempting to lure a dog over with a bone. In its mouth, were the keys to the cells. This all looked so familiar.

Depp shook his head miserably. "Or maybe not. They claim I'm a pirate. So in the morning, they're going to hand me."

I shoved up my sleeve and showed him my Pirates tattoo. "It didn't help me much that one summer I tried out to play professional ball in Pittsburgh." When he said nothing, I continued, "You ever see the movie _Pirates of the Caribbean_?"

He stared at me coldly. "I was the star."

"Oh, right. Well, Captain Jack Sparrow is supposed to be in this cell, not us."

"So?"

"This is like when Captain Kirk would mess with the Prime Directive and alter time. He had to put everything right by the end of the episode."

"That wasn't the Prime Directive. The Prime Directive was not to interfere with primitive cultures. I think you're talking about a paradox loop."

"I am? Well, it isn't good. If we get hung in the morning, it will alter history. That might mean that, in the future, we'll never be born, and so we won't be there to come back and alter history. You get my point?"

In the distance, thunder rumbled.

Depp frowned. "That sounded like cannon fire from the movie. He went over to the cell's single, barred window and looked out. "It's the _Pearl!_" he gasped, and then the wall with the window exploded.

Rubble and clouds of dust were everywhere. I plunged into it, found Depp and pulled him back up to his feet. "You okay, pal?"

"It's supposed to be their cell that gets blown open by the cannon fire, not ours," he protested, pointing to the ruffians.

"We're changing history, Johnny! We have to set things right, or we'll never get back!"

"Come on!" he said and led the way through the massive hole in the wall.

I followed. "Where are we going?"

"It doesn't matter much. I just don't want to still be in that cell when Barbarossa's crew shows up. This way!" He ran through the town and stopped at a livery stable. He wrestled briefly with the bar across the big, double doors and then swung them open. We ran inside.

"Grab a horse!"

I balked. "I'm a city boy," I told him, stepping backwards. "I don't do horses."

"This would be a splendid time to learn!"

He was already aboard one horse, riding bareback without any reins. He herded another horse over towards me. "Get on!"

I got on.

"H'ya!" Depp kicked his horse, and it took off. My horse took off after him. I held on to my horse's mane for dear life.

We galloped through the town, which was already being blasted apart by cannon fire. Cutlass-swinging pirates began appearing out of dark streets.

"This way!" Depp led us out of town and up and hill to a huge mansion. "Jump!" he cried and he leapt from his horse.

I shouted a different four-letter word as I leapt from mine.

We hit the ground, rolled, and came up running. I followed up to the front door of the mansion, which he beat on with his fist.

When the butler opened the door, we burst through.

"Elizabeth!" Depp shouted. "Elizabeth!"

She appeared at a second-story doorway, clad only in a sensational-looking nightgown. I would have said something, but my mouth was too busy hanging open. The butler clicked it shut for me.

"Run! Get dressed!" screamed Depp. "Pirates are coming!"

There was another knock on the door. The butler went to answer.

"Don't open it!" we all yelled.

But it was too late. The butler was already opening the door. It was shoved opened even more, there was a shot, and the butler fell over backwards, dead. Pirates surged through.

My hand was on my .45. I flipped off the safety and began firing. I emptied my clip, and a moment later, a handful of pirates lay motionless on the floor.

Both Depp and I knew that wouldn't last for long. They were immortal, suffering from the Curse of Cortez.

Depp ran up the stairs and I ran after him. He shoved Elizabeth back into her room.

"Quick," I shouted as I spun and locked her bedroom door behind me, "get out of that nightgown!"

"We don't have time for her to change!" said Johnny.

"General principles!" I explained to him.

He ignored me, pulled her outside to her balcony, hoisted her over the railing and dropped her to the ground.

I was right behind him, still determined to get her out of that nightgown. Depp grabbed my belt and hurled me after her. And then he too jumped.

I hit the ground and rolled. I came up, with the side of my head resting against her remarkably soft breast. (Lucky me.)

Then powerful hands pulled us to our feet. Pistols and cutlasses were pointed at us. Pirates grinned evilly.

"Parlay!" shouted Elizabeth in desperation. "Parlay!"


	4. Parlay

Chapter 4: Parlay

Our hands were tied behind our backs, we were marched to one of many waiting longboats, and herded aboard. Then we were rowed out towards a frigate with tattered black sails which was still firing on the town. Each broadside lit up the side of the ship with a hellish glow.

I managed to mumble to Elizabeth, "You know that medallion you have around your neck? It's what the pirates are really after. If they don't give you everything you ask for, threaten to throw it overbo—OW!"

"No talking!" snarled the pirate who'd just smacked me in the head with his gat.

"Try that again," I growled back, "and you'll be sleeping with the fishes."

I could tell my movie reference was lost on him. He merely looked confused.

We arrived at the _Black Pearl_ and were sent up a rope ladder to the main deck.

"So? Captain Jack Sparrow, you're supposed to be dead." A bosun the size of a sequoia glared at Depp.

"No, no," the lad stammered. "I'm, I'm, I'm Johnny Depp. I'm not—OOF!"

The bosun had planted his grapefruit-sized fist in the middle of Depp's belly. "Do I look stupid to you? I tell you this, Captain, it will be a real pleasure killing you again." Then he glared at the bald pirate who was the head of our captors. "As for these others, I didn't know we were taking on prisoners."

Our captor replied, "They've invoked the right of parlay with Captain Barbossa!"

Elizabeth stepped boldly forward, "I here to negotiate the cessation of-" WHAP! His slap nearly took her head off.

"You'll not speak until spoken to!"

Then the bosun's wrist was caught in the iron grip of a man who stunk of evil. "And you'll not be layin' a hand on someone under the protection of parlay."

When the giant responded with a meek, "Aye, sir," Barbossa released his wrist and said gently to Elizabeth, "Apologies."

"Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal."

His eyes popped open in surprise. The monkey perched on his shoulder looked equally confused. "There's a lot of long words in there, miss, and were naught but humble pirates," Barbossa chuckled. "What is it that you want?"

"I want you to leave and never come back."

My eye twitched when I heard those words. Too often, women had said them to me.

"I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request," the captain replied smoothly. "T'means: no."

Elizabeth glared. "Very well," she said. She snuck me a wink, marched over to the railing, dangled her medallion over the side, and said, "I'll drop it."

The cannons on down on the gun deck fired, and I noticed that in their flash, Elizabeth's nightgown all but disappeared. When their light faded, Barbossa was saying something about that not really mattering to the pirates.

"It's what you've been searching for," she protested, looking to me for guidance. "I recognized this ship. I saw it eight years ago in the crossing from England."

"Didja now?"

I gave a slow nod to let her know Barbossa was bluffing.

"Fine," she snapped. "If it's worthless, I guess there's no reason for me to hold onto it." Her fingers released it, and it fell a few inches before the loop around her little finger caught it.

In stark horror, the pirates had already taken a few steps forward.

She gave them that rapturous, all-knowing look a school teacher gives bad little boys when she catches them in a fib.

Barbossa gave an embarrassed chuckled and then asked, "Do you have a name?"

"Elizabeth . . . Turner."

Behind me came murmurs of "Bootstrap."

The two of them stepped together and exchanged whispers. This ended when she handed over the medallion.

The bosun began bellowing orders to make way.

"Wait!" cried Elizabeth as Barbossa started to walk away. "According to the pirates' code, you must put us ashore!"

He spun back around. "First, your release was not part of our negotiation, so I must do nothing. Second, you must be a pirate for the pirates' code to apply, and you're not."

I stepped forward and shoved my sleeve up. "But I am," I declared, showing him my Pittsburgh Pirates tattoo, "and Captain Jack Sparrow most certainly is."

Barbossa stalked over to where Johnny Depp was being held and glared at him. "And third, the pirates' code is not so much a set of rules as guidelines. Welcome aboard the_ Black Pearl_!"


	5. In Irons

Chapter 5: In Irons

Depp and I had our wrists chained to the bulkhead of the ship's brig.

"Thanks for telling them that I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," he sneered. "My only hope of survival was to convince them otherwise. So your big mouth has pretty much sentenced me to a slow yet quite horrible death."

"Quiet! Someone's coming."

The bald-headed pirate and his skinny companion escorted Elizabeth down to the brig. She was wearing a beautiful maroon dress, but her face was stark white and full of fear. The two pirates opened the cell, push her in with us, locked the cell door again and left.

Depp asked, "Are you okay?"

She shook her head no. "You'll never guess what's going on aboard this ship," she whimpered.

Time to stick in my two cents. "You've discovered that the captain and crew are suffering from the Curse of Cortez. Sure, they're immortal, but they feel nothing, taste nothing, never stop starving, and can never quench their thirst. The moonlight shows them as the rotten corpses they truly are. To break the curse, they need to return all of the cursed treasure to the chest and to make blood sacrifices for each piece. The only piece not returned is yours. So they're taking us to the Isla de Muerta, where they'll return your coin and use you for the blood sacrifice."

She stared at me dumbfounded.

I looked over at Depp, who said, "Don't I get a guess?"

**۞**

The next morning, the bald pirate and his skinny friend returned to unchain us. They led Depp, Elizabeth and me out of our cell and up towards the deck.

"Where are you taking us?" queried Depp.

"To a long walk off a short plank."

"What?"

"You heard me, mate."

Disbelieving, we stumbled out into the sunlight. We had dropped anchor off the coast of the island of Isla de Muerta. I recognized it from the movie. When we turn around, sure enough, a wooden plank was extended over the railing, its far end riding high out over the open sea.

"You've got to be joking," said Depp. "It's been well documented that walking the plank is just a myth. It never really happened."

Captain Barbossa came up and gave us the evil eye. "Well documented, ye say? But we're just simple pirates who never learned how to read. So documentation is useless as far as we're concerned. So it's over the side ya go."

"What about the lady?" I reminded him. "You'll need her for the blood sacrifice."

"Not her, of course," sneered Barbossa. "Waste not, want not, I always say." He practically licked his chops at her.

"Sail ho!" cried a voice from the crow's next. "It's a frigate!"

Barbossa's attention flew upwards. "What flag does she fly?"

The lookout had focused his spyglass on the approaching warship. "No colors showing, sir. But sir! I can see her captain quite plainly. It's Jack Sparrow!"

Barbossa gasped, "Jack Sparrow?"

The crew murmured, "Jack Sparrow? Jack Sparrow?"

Johnny Depp winced. "That's Captain Jack Sparrow."


	6. Blood Sacrifice

Chapter 6: Blood Sacrifice

Elizabeth crept up behind me and whispered, "When they make you walk the plank, swim under the ship and come up on the landward side. I'll be waiting for you in a boat."

Barbossa was furious. He stuck his face practically up against the nose of Johnny Deep. "Who the bloody hell are you?"

Depp gulped, but then said, "I'm your conscience."

"My what?"

"Guilt, Captain Barbossa. I am the personification of your feelings of guilt. You led a mutiny against me. You marooned me on a desert island with no food, no way off, and only a pistol with a single shot for company. And for this, you are wracked with feelings of guilt. To deal with this, your twisted brain has conjured me out of thin air. You created me so that you could apologize to me."

I was amazed. I hadn't seen so much horse manure shoveled so quickly since the day I'd snuck into the stables at Santa Anita.

As Barbossa's mouth hung open, the approaching frigate cut loose with a long nine. The single shot splashed down nearby, sending up a pillar of foam.

"Clear the decks!" bellowed Barbossa. "Man the cannons. And gets some rope, tie their hands and toss this garbage overboard."

"No need!" I said quickly. I bounded over to Depp and whispered to him. "Swim under the ship. Elizabeth will be waiting on the other side in a boat." Then I ran out onto the plank. "I get to go first! Wheeeee!" and down towards the azure Caribbean I went.

Hopefully between having two Captain Jack Sparrows mixed in with Depp's spew of psychological mumbo-jumbo, the pirates would be so confused, they wouldn't question why prisoners would be willingly jumping off their plank into the sea.

I crashed down into the water, turned and swam even deeper so that I could get underneath the barnacle-encrusted hull of the _Black Pearl._ When I surfaced on the other side, Elizabeth Swan, true to her word, was bobbing nearby in a longboat.

I treaded water until Johnny Depp surfaced and then, together, we swam to the longboat.

By then, the two ships were trading broadsides, so Depp and I manned the oars, and we pulled for the pirate's cave in the base of the Isla de Muerta.

"Uh oh. Depp, do you see what I'm seeing?"

A second long boat was setting off from the _Black Pearl_. It was filled with pirates, and I could make out Barbossa in command.

"But look there!" Depp replied. I looked over and saw Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner and a host of their men in their own long boat, rowing towards us.

"What now?" Elizabeth asked as we oared into the cave.

"We need the blood sacrifice," I told her. "It's the only way to break the Curse of Cortez, and unless Barbossa's pirates are mortal, there's no way Captain Jack Sparrow can win this fight."

"You're going to kill me!" she gasped.

"Don't be ridiculous. It's not your blood we need. It's the blood of the son of Bootstrap Bill Turner."

"Will? But he's not here!"

"He's in the boat with Captain Jack Sparrow. They're both coming after us!"

"He is? No!" she flung herself at me, clawing at my eyes. "I'll not let you kill him!"

I shoved her back. "Relax, doll. It's only a small cut. All we need is a few drops of blood. That's all it will take to end the curse."

Elizabeth fell back in the boat, breathing hard. Then her eyes opened wide. "Oh my goodness."

The cave glittered with mounds of gold, treasure chests, silk, silver, and jewels.

"Ten years booty of the _Black Pearl_," I told her.

We rowed up to the biggest pile of gold and climbed ashore. We waded through treasure up to a strongbox on the top, marked with Aztec skulls. I opened the chest. Bingo. It was filled with Cortez's treasure.

"Get down!" shouted Depp as he threw both Elizabeth and me face first into the treasure.

A ragged fusillade of musket fire tore up the gold and gems around us.

"Up and at 'em, men!" I heard Barbossa command his cutthroats. "Save the girl, but kill the lubbers!"

Depp had found a pair of cutlasses among the treasure. He tossed one to me and leaped down the mountain of gold, screaming like a banshee. I went yowling after Depp.

He and I had the advantage of being on the high ground, er, on the high treasure. Also, as Hollywood actors, we'd both been trained in the art of swordplay. Unfortunately, Rule 1 of our training was never to do anything which could possible hurt our opponent. We were trying to unlearn that rule in a hurry.

Between us, Elizabeth came slashing. She had found a third cutlass and her sword training had always focused on how to kill or main an opponent. The pirates fell back before her whirling blade.

Then up rowed Captain Jack Sparrow's boat. He threw a dirk, which took one of Barbossa's man between the ribs. The man pulled it out and threw it back. Sparrow dodged.

"William!" I shouted. "Get up here quickly, man! We need you!"

The pirates he was battling may have been immortal, but William Turner was fighting for love. He cut his way through the melee with ease.

"Elizabeth!" he breathed when he reached her. "Are you safe?"

My cutlass flickered out, and sliced his arm. As he grabbed it, I stuff my hand down into Elizabeth's cleavage and ripped out the medallion. I slammed the coin down onto William Turner's seeping blood, and then leaped back and slam dunked the bloody coin into the Aztec chest.

"Surrender!" demanded Depp.

"Why, whatever for?" queried Barbossa. "No blade can cut us. No pistol ball can kill us. We cannot lose."

"Wrong, Barbossa!" I shouted. "The curse has been broken! The blood sacrifice has been made! You're all mortal again!"

Barbossa frowned, pulled out one of his pistols, and shot one of his own men. The poor wretch screamed and died. "Well, I'll be!" he marveled.

"Listen!" cried Johnny Depp. "We're all pirates in this cave - - except for the governor's daughter of course. We're all on the same side! There's no need to fight! We can all be one crew!"

Barbossa sneered. "One crew with two captains? It ain't possible, matey. Who's to command?"

Captain Jack Sparrow pulled out his own pistol and shot Barbossa in the back. He watched as the big man turned. The young man explained succinctly, "Pirate."

"I felt that," marveled Barbossa, then fell face down and died.

"I've been wanting to do that ever since you marooned me on that bloody island!" Sparrow pulled a second pistol and climbed the short hill to where Johnny Depp was standing. "So Barbossa is history, I've got the _Pearl_ back, Mr. Turner has rescued his beloved Elizabeth, and the pirate crews are united. That just leaves one question. Tell me, mate: Who the bloody hell are you?"

"Who am I?" echoed Depp. "Well, mate, I'm you. But not all of you, mind you. I'm the good parts: the virtue, the honesty, the sobriety, the reliability, the personal hygiene. You've everything thing that's left over after they made me."

"What happens if I put a bullet in you?"

"Shoot yourself? Oh, I wouldn't advice that, mate."

Sparrow thought about what Depp had just said. "'Virtue, honesty, sobriety, and reliability?' I ain't got no need for any of that. You'd best be staying behind when we leave."

"Aye," agreed Depp. "My mate will be stayin' with me."

Sparrow looked over at me. "Fine by me."

And so the two pirate crews along with Miss Swan climbed into the long boats and rowed away.

After they'd gone, Depp said, "It's a good for us that we were left behind, Marlowe. Being a pirate can be habit forming."

"What do you mean?" I asked and then froze. I'd suddenly remembered that every episode of _The Adventures of Mr. Peabody and Sherman_ ended with a horrible pun.

"Once you get your hand cut off in a swordfight," explained Johnny Depp, "you find yourself getting hooked."

THE END


End file.
